A Trillion Thoughts Later: Doubtful VS Critical

18th April, 11:26 PM — my phone buzzes:
"JEE Mains Session-2 - RESULT OUT"

My first reaction? “Nah, this has to be fake. No way it’s out so soon after the Final Answer Key 2.0 dropped.” But still, my hands are trembling as I type in my details. I try a few times... Invalid Captcha. Ugh. My anxious mind won’t let me wait patiently. I keep trying.

Then—boom—the result page opens.

Sheer silence.
Numbness.
Everyone at home is asleep. It’s just me.

A single tear slips down my cheek as a trillion thoughts race through my head.

I forward the result to my brother with a text: “It’s so weird…”
Then I switch off my phone for a couple of minutes.

The silence deepens. The numbness seeps in.

I turn the phone back on.
His reply: “Yeah, it happens. Cutoff toh clear ho gaya. Congrats!” 

I’m still numb. This isn’t what I expected. Thoughts just keep coming—endless, chaotic. I react to each one. "Put on some music... 'Aal Izz Well'... 'Aal Izz Well'..." And then, I burst into tears. My father and brother come into my room. They try to comfort me. “It’s fine,” they say. But I’m not fine. I try distracting myself—relaxing music, random movie. Eventually, I fall asleep really late, only to wake up with a headache (of course). I try to be “normal,” but I’m not. I tell myself, “Okay, one more movie, you’ll be fine.” 1 hour 45 minutes later... still not fine. Another movie later, I realize—Let the thoughts come. Don’t fight them. I can’t stop myself from acknowledging what I’m feeling. And slowly, I start coming to terms with it—especially after I calculate my score for KCET.

In the evening, I was talking to one of my closest friends (a fellow aspirant), and something clicked.
I realized I was literally judging my worth based on a number—
And the irony? I was telling her not to doubt her own skills. That’s when I really saw it— I don’t always apply to myself the things I tell others. I know it, but sometimes I need reminders like:

"Haan, toh behen, kar na!"

I noticed a shift—
I wasn’t being doubtful anymore; I was being critical. Saying “I could achieve only this much, maybe this is my ability”—That’s doubt. Saying “Okay, this is what I got. Let’s reflect, learn, and move on to the next step.” That’s being critical. Not scoring what I expected doesn’t automatically mean I didn’t try hard enough or that I’m not smart. There are so many variables in those 3 hours—on that one day. Yes, I can be critical of the things I could’ve done better—but that’s learning, not punishment. Also, maybe I wasn’t even genuinely interested in these subjects enough to give my 100% consistently.

And maybe that’s okay too. Passion should also count when evaluating effort.

Anyway, I know this blog is super random—and quite soon after my last one.
But I couldn’t study, so I decided to pen this down instead.

Be your own critique.
Undoubtedly, you are the best. :)

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